The bits and pieces I’ve been making, creating, reading, and doing – stitchy or otherwise… and this month, it’s all “otherwise”.
This past month has been… interesting. To say the least. You might like to grab a cuppa, as there’s a bit of back story that I feel it’s now time to share. We’re gonna get real and raw, but spoiler alert – I’m now in the best place I’ve been in years.
Two years ago this week, I was in Houston for Quilt Market to celebrate the release of my book, Mini Masterpieces. It was something I had been working on for a few years, and to finally be at that point of all that blood, sweat, and tears coming to fruition… it was just such a dream come true.
And oh did I have plans to see this dream through! Mini Masterpieces was released in Fall specifically so that each of the 12 techniques and projects could be worked through month by month throughout the following year, both online through the Mini Masterpieces quilt along and also by organising in-person classes. This was it, baby! So much momentum and energy and my trajectory was set to continue to climb upwards through 2020…
Yep, 2020.
The book blows started almost immediately, with the prizes for January’s QAL winners already getting caught up in the postal system mayhem. And it devolved from there, as sponsors and QALers and mojo dropped off month after month after month. On top of that, I was juggling home learning and parenting my children through the hardest time of their lives while my husband was still in at work everyday, as well as trying to maintain my business, and then throw in an unexpected move at the end of June, and then my city was thrown back into lockdown at the start of July…
By mid-July, I was burnt out. I needed a break from the juggling routine. Turns out it was the best decision I made, as we ended up being in lockdown for 111 days, and it also gave me the space I needed to focus on a passion project – Women of Advent. I came back in October, still feeling a little bruised and tender, but refreshed, refocused, and ready to start again. Ready to ease into 2021 and to start to rebuild that momentum that I had lost.
Snort. 2021 looked at 2020 and said, “Hold my beer!”
Personally, 2021 has been harder than 2020, in practically every aspect of life. Early in January, I experienced something that was both very traumatic, but that also provided the final pieces of a puzzle that I’ve spent my life trying to make sense of. With the help of a great therapist, I’ve been able to begin the final stages of processing and healing that I’ve long-needed. This wholecloth mini quilt was a representation of this journey, of feeling like I’m finally becoming who I’m supposed to be and blossoming from the inside out.
But that’s been on top of yet more pandemic pandemonium, with 4 more rounds of lockdown that my city went through. Four more rounds of home learning. Of yet more travel plans cancelled, and missed family milestones and occasions, of long-held family dreams delayed indefinitely (eg. a big family trip to the USA that probably would have been this year, before our eldest started high school), and the grief that comes with all of that.
Let me be clear – I have been and am a supporter of lockdowns. We have saved tens of thousands of lives, if not hundreds of thousands, by doing so, and by not letting it run rampant throughout our state, have protected the rest of Australia from it too. Because of lockdown, I do not personally know anyone in Australia who has had covid, nevermind died from it. And that’s incredible.
Yet this year nearly broke me. Early in the year, it was generally agreed that we (as Melburnians) had the energy to get through 2020 but we had no reserves left to get through another year of it, and that was before Lockdowns 5 and 6! So come July, and I again felt like I was drowning. By mid-August, I was running on bare survival mode AKA languishing – I had my Plenty of Thyme quilt and jigsaw puzzles that I would do as I binged a series called Continuum to keep my hands and mind busy, as the days all blurred together. Groundhog day after day after day.
But three things happened that helped flick the switch for me. The first was that, thanks to vaccination rates, we had a plan, or a roadmap as our state government called it, to get us out of lockdown when we hit certain milestones of the percentage of population fully vaccinated. No longer were we living in the unknown, we had a plan and we knew what to do. And we’ve done it! Last week, we hit 70% of people aged 16+ being fully vaccinated, and lockdown officially ended. This Friday, we hit 80% and we will reach the next phase of opening up to “life with covid”. And later next month, we’ll hit 90% and most restrictions will be gone.
The second change was that I started taking medication for anxiety. Something I should’ve done a long time ago, had I been honest with myself about just how bad it was. But because I wasn’t having full-blown panic attacks like you see in the movies, I “wasn’t that bad”! Let me tell you right now, you do not need to be having panic attacks of any description to have bad anxiety. After talking with a couple of very close friends about their anxiety, and completing this anxiety checklist on Beyond Blue, I made an appointment with my GP. I have not felt like this in probably over 2 years. The overthinking, the worrying, the fear… they no longer have a front seat in my life.
The third change was that I got a job. And I was probably as surprised as you are now! I wasn’t necessarily looking for a job, but I was certainly after some stability and routine and structure in my life. I was asked to take on a part-time admin role in my church’s office for 3 days a week during school hours. A job I had occasionally already been doing whenever the previous administrator was on leave, so it wasn’t unfamiliar to me. A workplace that is family-friendly and flexible as needed for various appointments for children and/or they can come in with me during school holidays. With colleagues and a boss I already know and have a good relationship. In summary – a safe space in which to make such a change in my life.
My eldest starts high school next year, and my youngest will be in her final year of primary school. My husband is about to start a new role at work that will change up his work/life dynamic. Thanks to vaccination, life in Australia is about to change again. Because of therapy and medication, I am discovering more and more about myself. Everything about my life is changing.
Source: @KeeleyShawArt
I used to have a pretty fixed mindset about life – who you are is who you are. And sure, you might learn something new, but fundamentally, things don’t really change. But I’ve learned over the past few years, that change is possible. That just because something has “always been this way”, does not mean that’s good or right. That as you learn and grow, things have to change, because if they don’t, then you haven’t really learned or grown.
In fact, I’ve been debating with myself over the past month or so, wondering if I should or would even share this kind of post. I know that I don’t owe any “explanation” for the decisions I make because of growing and changing, but I decided that I want to. I want to be open and honest. And I hope that in the same way that other people’s honest and openness has helped me along my journey, that perhaps someone else out there might not feel so alone in what they’re dealing with by hearing my story.
I’ve been doing Blossom Heart Quilts for almost 10 years. There have been times where it has absolutely been a core part of my identity, and gave me a purpose in life. It helped me through our 4 years in Japan to make English-speaking friends who loved what I did. There have been times where the income really did help our family. It has brought some amazing opportunities into my life to travel, and my book! And developing Women of Advent is one of my most proudest accomplishments. But most of all, incredible friendships. I never ever would have met some of my closest and dearest friends who are now like family to me had it not been for Blossom Heart Quilts!
The most beautiful part of all of this is that I do not see getting a job as a failure of my business. That in itself is a miracle, and a sign of how much growing and progress I have made over the past couple of years! And I know this sounds like a farewell speech, but it’s not. This is not the end, it’s the start of a new chapter. A different season in my life, and the life of my business. Entrepreneurship is wiiild ride, and it’s been a ride I am incredibly proud of, and will continue! I’m not sure what it will look like from here, but I know that I now get to only do what I truly love and want to do, rather than feeling like I’m only doing what I should do. And I know that after the past two years of extreme turmoil, it will absolutely take some time to process and heal, and that having my new job allows me the space to do so.
Oh yes, I do realise the irony of that last sentence. I know of a few people who are retiring, retraining, or reducing hours because of the pandemic! But the fact that I can do set hours each week and have a guaranteed pay cheque every month is a novelty for me. My brain needs that stability and routine to feel safe to take the time to heal. And to be completely frank, the energy and effort required to get back to that point of momentum and trajectory I was at in my business at the end of 2020? I cannot even comprehend trying to get there again right now.
So, I will finish as I started, letting you know that I am in the best place I have been in a very long time. I know that whatever 2022 brings, I’ll be ok, my family will be ok – I have an incredible circle of family and ‘chosen family’ around me, and my support system is strong.
Erica says
Thank you for sharing this story, Alyce. It has been a tough couple of years for so many people and it is good to read that you are finding your way through. Life is challenging and nothing stays the same. Best wishes to you.
Alyce says
Ain’t that the truth! Change is inevitable, and it’s how we handle it that can make the world of difference!
Dianne says
Well done in being proactive and making changes to improve your life. We all go through difficult times and we need to support and validate this with each other.
Alyce says
Thanks, Dianne! It’s certainly been a journey to get to this point, but I can move ahead in life, confident that I’m heading in the right direction.
Lulu says
Thank you for sharing, Alyce. All makes sense to me 🙂 xx Lu
Alyce says
Thanks, lovely! Can’t wait to finally catch up again soon, we have a lot to talk about! xx
Annika(iHallonhuset) says
Thank you for sharing – there are probably lots of people who think anxiety must be a panic attack to be bad, but it might be the other way round. So glad for the good changes in your life after this very hard period of time. Be kind to yourself and we’ll be sending warm thoughts and (in mini schnauzer Moltas’ case) nose buts
Alyce says
Aw, I love a good puppy nose boop, thanks Molta!
Candice says
Thank you for sharing and being so honest. I too started medication for anxiety during covid and don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. I feel the closest I have felt to “normal” and I didn’t even realise how I was before wasn’t normal and I wasn’t coping. Proud of you for doing what is right for you and taking a step away when you need it. You have so many beautiful achievements and friends and memories and they will always be there. Now it’s time to make some new ones 💓
Alyce says
Thank you ♥ And yes! That’s sooo spot on! Why didn’t I do this last year, ha?! Nah, I’m not beating myself up about it, but it’s partly why I wanted to share my story – so that someone else might start to question whether what they’re experiencing is normal or not.
Carole @ From My Carolina Home says
You have hit upon the trials that affected most of us these past two years. Depression and anxiety are at an all time high because of this awful virus, the consequences of lockdowns, and the division over vaccinations. I only wish that the people here in the USA were not so polarized in their views of covid and vaccination. I’m going today to get a booster that was just approved, but I have friends that refuse to get one at all. I know two people who have died of covid, and a friend of a friend lost her teenage son to covid. Another had it before vaccinations were available and is a long hauler. I fear we are in for another full year of this here. I can only take it one day at a time.
Alyce says
I’m so sorry x0 The anti-vaxxers here have been extremely vocal, and yet our state is over 90% first-dose (we only have double-dose options here)… so they’re just a loud minority. Thank you for getting your vaccinations – not only to protect yourself, but also your family and friends and community!
Kerrie says
So admirable brave honest woman ( who also writes beautifully) . Welcome to the happily medicated and moving forward. Your future is bright.
Jane says
Well done, You!
Andrea says
Congrats, Alyce! Finding your way through and growing and learning 👏🏼❤️
Terry says
I’m happy for you. It’s hard to take a step back and take an honest look at everything around you and yourself. Taking care of yourself is very important. When I was working my office job, I couldn’t even eat lunch without someone coming to me with problems. There will always be deadlines, repairs, problems, etc. until the end of time. It doesn’t have to rule our life. A kind word or compliment to someone in a grocery store. Getting up early and watching a sunrise. Taking a bubble bath. Baking cookies for no special reason. These are just a few of the important things. And letting everything else go. Balance is needed. Some people thought I was superwoman, but I realized a long time ago that I just can’t do everything. I’m in my 60’s now. Time passes fast. Make sure you take care of yourself and you are happy. Everything else will fall in place.
Bobbie Campbell says
I’m so glad your are doing so well. Carole hits the point exactly for me as well. I’ve lost 4 family members in this past 1 & 1/2 years. I have grieved over friendships lost from not allowing myself to be put in the possible path of this disease. Why did it become such an issue?? I still don’t understand it.I’ve had some really rough years but I truly believe my faith has kept me strong in so many ways.I have been helped by therapy, good friends who not only listen but also hear and being able to have a strong partner to lean on at times. I’m so glad you have a job that supplies so much that was needed at the right time. I also had the opportunity to become the office helper at my church which helped pay for school tuition and gave me the same benefits you have spoken about. I’m in my 70’s now and have been following you since just after you arrived in Japan.
My love to you and your family.
Deb says
Thank you for honestly sharing your journey. I love that you are open to changing your path as needed for you to become you. Wishing you the very best, wherever that path takes you!
Sally Op't Hoog says
Your honesty is so refreshing! May this time of healing be really valuable to you as a person, mama, wife etc. Bless you!
Vivian Oaks says
Stories like yours are the groundwork for many others who have been and are struggling with all the things you described. Thanks for letting us know how well you’re doing! I, for one, am very happy for you! Blessings to you and yours in the transitions ahead! 🙂
Roxy Sherburne says
Thanks so much for sharing, and I am happy to hear your are doing well, and working in an Administrative position at church. I was in Administration for years and loved it. I then moved on to Customer Service and that was awesome too! It’s been tough for a lot of us and quilting has kept me going. I retired from 3M a little over 2 years ago so I have been sewing/quilting to be productive. We’re all going to get through this. Stay safe and well, and it’s great to hear from you Alyce!
Dorothy says
Yeah you 💕😊
Ann-Maree says
You’re a star Alyce. Just wanted to thank you for the Mystery Quilt a long you ran in 2020 , especially now knowing you were struggling. Absolute Star. Shine on. X
Beth T. says
Alyce, I am glad for you that you were able to recognize what you needed and get it. When I started taking anti-anxiety meds my life improved in ways both measurable and inexplicable. The little gnawing worries that were always chewing at the edges of everything, trying to get my attention whenever I was starting to have fun or focus on something, were quieted. I could “be there”, in the moment, without part of me worrying that I had made a mistake that was going to result in something terrible happening. Our family shorthand for knowing if I have forgotten to take my meds or if my anxiety is heating up is whether I ask repeatedly if our gate is closed, and (even worse) have to go check for myself. (Our dogs could get out of an open gate and be killed. We’ve lived here for 18 years and leaving the gate open by mistake is not something we do, but it is something I am afraid we will do.) Really, it wasn’t until I was taking my meds that I realized how often I interrogated John about the gate, and how much energy I devoted to worrying about its status.
So I am happy for every decision you have made. Anything you have decided now I feel confident is a good decision, because you are making it while you are in a calmer, clearer space, with more energy to put toward thinking about the things that matter to you.
And, because I don’t know if I ever took the time to tell you: Thank you for the happiness that Blossom Heart Quilts has brought to me over the last decade. On to what’s next, together!
Lynn Kahl says
I liked you before, and I admire and respect you even more now because of your honesty. In my opinion, you are bringing much glory to God with sharing your story. And, it is a comfort to me. Please keep us updated on your journey.
Linda M Schroeder says
I just want to congratulate you on getting the advice and care that you need. It takes a big person to admit that they need help and to actually move forward and ask for it. I have always enjoyed your posts and will be contiuing to follow you and wish you the best.
Marjorie says
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story. I hope you also talk to your children about some of what you are going through emotionally and learning in your therapy . You are their role model for coping with life’s vicissitudes.
When my husband of 40 years died in 2015 I was devastated. My adult son was very supportive but I immediately was concerned about not becoming dependent on him. I already had a good relationship with my acupuncturist who had supported my through the difficult five years of being my husband’s caregiver, so I continued regular treatments.
I made new girlfriends by joining a knitting group and a quilt guild. Then I got up my courage to join an online dating site. The first year of online dating was pretty disappointing because I had higher standanrds than the men I was dating. I was at the point of giving up when I joined a local Jewish Community Center that had a social group for single Baby Boomers. Within a few months I met and dated a widower who soon became my romantic companion, friend and life partner.
So it takes courage to admit when you need help and when you need to move on in life. It will be a scary journey but growth involves taking some risks.
Emily Wakefield says
Alyce,
I am so glad that you made it through the trials and tribulations of the pandemic lockdowns. Thank you for sharing your journey. I admire your courage, and applaud you for seeking help. I am looking forward to seeing where Blossom Heart Quilts goes from here.
With respect,
Emily
Debra Miller says
Thank you for sharing your journey. The pandemic has changed so many lives. Best of luck to you.
Ethel says
Thank you for sharing. I was bowled over when my anxiety level skyrocketed at the beginning of Covid, never having felt anything like it before. Medication has helped me a lot as well, but I must admit that our high rate of infection in Alberta , Canada, is not helping me, nor the prospect of another long winter with reduced contact with family and friends. Thank you for sharing your journey and being real. I am grateful for it. Your openness and your efforts are inspiring. Now for me to take some courageous steps too and not let this Covid rule!
Jackson M. Watkins says
Hi Alyce,
As an adult, I have always believed that “we are right where we are supposed to be right now”. I also believe that as long as we are learning we are moving forward in our life. Not to get religious on you, but for me, “faith” in a higher power other than myself has always played a big part in my life. I love following your blog and enjoy reading your post and emails. It seems that you have certainly landed “safely” on solid ground with your personal life, your professional life, and your family as well. I look forward to seeing what you do in the next chapter of “Alyce” and “BlossomHeartQuilts. Move forward one step at a step dear one…..
Joni says
I’m so glad therapy is helping you find peace in the day to day. You deserve it! I absolutely love my therapist and am so grateful for her help through *gestures broadly* all this.
Deb Brown says
The ability to be vulnerable in what life has taken you through helps all of us. Thank you for sharing. I’ve yet to make my Advent quilt, but I’m more determined to get it done. It’s very refreshing to see how many people have decided to make life changes because the world was turned upside down for so long. We all had to take stock of what’s important. I don’t think we or the world will ever be the same. Thanks 😊
Susan says
Thanks for sharing Alyce & yes tonight at 6pm is the moment Victoria should be as one with a few restrictions still. I understand fully as I also suffer with anxiety, so hope your journey into the future is much better. Hope you are surviving this horrendous wind, still blowing here at the moment. Take care & hugs.
Joy McDonald says
Well done for making it through all the lockdowns… we haven’t had it quite as bad here in country Vic, and I am thankful that we have such a high vaccination percentage… It’s certainly been a crazy two years! Hopefully next year we will all get our mojo back and we won’t have anymore lockdowns. Take care and hang in there! xx
rere says
Thanks for sharing
Deb says
What you shared today is going to help so many others. Reading your comments made me realize that I probably also should have sought some help last year, but it didn’t occur to me & I just plowed right through everything, keeping myself busy. It would have been an easier 18 months had I just let my doctor know what I was going through, and I’m glad to be able to say that I’m now doing very well. But sometimes people need to hear what someone else is going through to realize “hey, that’s me, too”. Thank you for being so candid with everyone and sharing your path to wellness!